When It's Less Than Happily Ever After
For divorced and divorcing families, as well as couples facing marital strain, counselling and therapy can provide a path towards healing and better relationships
For the past 3 months, Rowan* has been seeing and playing with his 4-year-old son through the steel gates of his wife’s flat. The reason: His estranged wife, whom he is currently locked in a bitter custody battle with, has been denying him access to their only son. While waiting for the approval of an interim custody order, Rowan has been following his lawyer’s counsel and going to his wife’s flat to spend time with his son during his access periods.
When Rowan and his wife first filed for divorce in Nov 2022, he moved out of their matrimonial home to live with his parents. The couple reached a consensus to have equal access time to their son that would see him shuttering between their homes. Shortly after, Rowan began noticing a marked change in his son’s behaviour towards him.
“My son started acting distant towards me, and saying things like ‘Papa is bad’, ‘He is stupid’ and ‘Papa beats me’. That was when I began suspecting that my ex-wife was turning my son against me and using him as a pawn in our legal battle,” said Rowan.
According to Rowan, his wife is now fighting for full custody, back-pedalling on their initial agreement which was working well for 6 months before their amicable split turned acrimonious.
Parenting through divorce
However, even before that, the impact of the divorce on Rowan’s son was evident. “Initially, when my wife and I separated, my son refused to go over to his mother’s place. I later found out that it was because he felt torn between us. He would also say things like, ‘I want Papa and Mama to stay together. I want to hold their hands and go to the playground,’” recounted Rowan.
“I also saw my son experiencing a lot of confusion, mood swings and at times, unusual behaviour. For example, he would climb up tables, or run around naked laughing. And when he didn’t get his way, he would shout or throw tantrums. These types of behaviour weren’t present before the divorce.”
Shrouded in stress, Rowan sought counselling support at the Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre of Methodist Welfare Services (MWS FAM@FSC).
“Going through a divorce can be very overwhelming. But counselling has helped me to compartmentalise and focus on parenting my son when I’m with him and not be consumed by my own emotions and grief,” said Rowan.
Counselling also provided Rowan an outlet to vent his anger and frustrations over the breakdown of his marriage, and helped him to enhance his and his son’s emotional literacy.
Rowan was also introduced to resources like children’s picture books on divorce and separation to help him broach the topic of divorce with his son. That gave his son greater clarity and assurance over the family transition.
Children caught in the crossfire
Rowan’s predicament is not uncommon among divorcing parents whose children are often caught in the crossfire when their parents’ marriage goes south.
“We have encountered quite a few cases of divorcing parents denying their spouse access to their children, or using them as leverage in the process of divorce. This is especially prevalent at the start of the divorce process when the court has yet to give any mandate on how child access will look like,” said Yeow Ming Zhen, Head of MWS FAM@FSC.
“Parents are usually very preoccupied about the legal proceedings and want to make it a win-all situation. Hence, some will try to restrict their spouse’s access to the children in hopes that it would lead to more favourable court outcomes for them, especially pertaining to child custody, asset distribution and maintenance,” she added.
“They may also be experiencing a lot of anger and frustration towards the other party, and want to get back at them by keeping the children to themselves.”
In such cases, children risk staggering damage on their psychological health.
“The sudden absence of the other parent could cause a lot of overwhelming emotions for the child. He or she may experience negative thoughts, like thinking that it’s their fault the other parent does not want to see them. They also tend to miss the other parent,” said Ming Zhen.
In our work with families, we advocate for children to be ‘seen’, and find ways to explain the situation to the children so that they don’t experience self-blame or confusion. This also opens up opportunities for the children to clarify things and share their emotions about the divorce.”
In our work with families, we advocate for children to be ‘seen’, and find ways to explain the situation to the children so that they don’t experience self-blame or confusion. This also opens up opportunities for the children to clarify things and share their emotions about the divorce.”
In our work with families, we advocate for children to be ‘seen’, and find ways to explain the situation to the children so that they don’t experience self-blame or confusion. This also opens up opportunities for the children to clarify things and share their emotions about the divorce.”
Enhancing support for divorced families, strengthening family bonds
Launched in July 2022 under the nationwide Strengthening Families Programme led by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), MWS FAM@FSC brings together trained counsellors and social workers to support couples facing marital challenges, families showing early signs of stress, as well as divorcing and divorced families.
Through casework and counselling, MWS FAM@FSC aims to alleviate family conflicts and strengthen familial relationships and functioning. It also helps divorced and divorcing families achieve greater stability and resilience, with a child-centric focus.
The launch of the programme comes on the back of rising divorce rates in Singapore. In 2019, there were 7,330 divorces in Singapore, up from 6,990 in 2018. Some 55 per cent of divorces in 2019 involved couples with at least one child under 21. At MWS FAM@FSC, Divorce Support cases make up nearly 30 per cent of the service’s total 1,034 cases.
Divorce is especially prevalent among those who tied the knot more recently, according to an MSF report released in 2021. For instance, nearly 16 per cent of those who married in 2006 split up before their 10th wedding anniversary, double that (8.7 per cent) of those who wedded in 1987.
The COVID-19 pandemic has also caused a spike in divorce rates, by intensifying existing problems in strained marriages, such as financial woes, communication problems and less quality time with an increase in dual-income couples.
MWS FAM@FSC provides family counselling and divorce support. It supports anyone experiencing stress and challenges due to family-related issues such as those in a marriage or divorce, parent-child relationships, or among siblings or extended family. The counselling aims to help families or couples understand and resolve family or marital conflicts, and strengthen communication within the relationship.
The Centre’s support programmes for divorced or separated parents and their children aim to empower children with skills to cope with their parents’ spilt, and equip parents with cooperative co-parenting skills for positive parent-child relationship and better child outcomes. The support includes case management, counselling and evidence-based programmes to help families cope with changes in the family structure.
Family counselling that prioritises the child's interests
Divorce can be traumatic for all parties involved. Children are especially vulnerable, and often suffer long-term adverse effects from parental divorce or separation. For example, it has been observed that as adults, they report lower levels of life satisfaction and psychological well-being, and higher rates of depression and anxiety (Amato and Sobolewski, 2001; Wallerstein and Lewis, 2004).
Research shows that children of divorce may also face greater challenges in their future romantic relationships or have poorer outlook on marriage and long-term partnerships.
While parental support is even more vital for children of divorce, the reality is that the parents are often grappling with the fallout of the split, and may unwittingly neglect their child’s emotional needs.
Recognising the vulnerabilities of children, child-centricity forms the focal point in family counselling cases at MWS FAM@FSC.
“Divorce and separation are especially traumatic for children because they feel powerless to cope with it. Unlike adults, children may not have access to resources or healthy coping skills, which places them at an increased risk of negative outcomes,” said Ming Zhen.
“The children may experience a lot of insecurity or feelings of abandonment during their parents’ divorce. In many of our cases involving divorcing couples with young children, the children tend to internalise feelings of anger and frustration and blame themselves for the divorce. Counselling and therapy can help them navigate changes in family dynamics, and cope with negative emotions like grief to prevent more serious mental health issues from developing.”
In the case of Rowan’s son, MWS FAM@FSC engaged him in sand tray therapy (see box story), providing him with a safe environment to express his thoughts, feelings and struggles using figurines.
“He felt safe enough in that space to open up about his parent’s divorce. During the sand play, he asked me, ‘Mama loves me. How come Mama doesn’t love Papa?’ And he was curious about whether his parents still love him, so I reassured him that his parents do,” said Ming Zhen.
“Young children of divorce need a safe space for honest conversation so that they can make sense of what is happening. For example, if the parents are living separately during the divorce proceedings, the child may worry about not being able to see the other parent again. When they have greater clarity over what is happening, they know what to expect and may feel more reassured.”
Navigating marital strife
The pain of divorce is so real, that part of MWS FAM@FSC’s work involves discernment counselling, for couples contemplating divorce to consider its implications and decide if their marriage is worth salvaging, explained Anny Rodjito, Lead Counsellor. The sessions also raise awareness of the detrimental impact of divorce on their children.
“It’s also a time for the couple to reflect on their contribution towards the problems that have befallen their marriage, and the changes they plan to make going forward,” said Anny.
At MWS FAM@FSC, some 63 per cent of the couples who have gone through discernment counselling have agreed to stay in their marriage and continue with marital counselling.
One such couple is Jai* and Priya*. Married for 11 years, the couple decided to give their marriage one last shot after discernment counselling opened their eyes to the impact divorce could have on their 8-year-old daughter, Suri*.
The couple first noticed the impact of their marital conflicts on their daughter when she started acting rude and emulating their poor behaviour, and was getting upset more quickly than before.
Through marital counselling at MWS FAM@FSC, the couple learnt how to work through their conflict and communication issues with the guidance of their counsellor Anny.
“Many couples tend to think that it’s okay to fight in front of their young children, because they think their children wouldn’t remember. But many studies have shown that even if children don’t consciously understand what’s going on, every person understands when something unpleasant is happening, by picking up on cues like the tone of one’s voice,” said Anny.
One such couple is Jai* and Priya*. Married for 11 years, the couple decided to give their marriage one last shot after discernment counselling opened their eyes to the impact divorce could have on their 8-year-old daughter, Suri*.
The couple first noticed the impact of their marital conflicts on their daughter when she started acting rude and emulating their poor behaviour, and was getting upset more quickly than before.
Through marital counselling at MWS FAM@FSC, the couple learnt how to work through their conflict and communication issues with the guidance of their counsellor Anny.
“Many couples tend to think that it’s okay to fight in front of their young children, because they think their children wouldn’t remember. But many studies have shown that even if children don’t consciously understand what’s going on, every person understands when something unpleasant is happening, by picking up on cues like the tone of one’s voice,” said Anny.
In Jai and Priya’s case, counselling showed them how their marital strife was affecting their daughter. It also empowered them to take steps towards repairing their marriage and parenting well as a team by prioritising their child’s feelings and needs above their own.
As counselling raised awareness that Jai and Priya’s different child-rearing strategies were a common trigger of their fights, and that Priya’s exacting ways weren’t the most effective, she subsequently agreed to give Jai more room to parent their child.
The couple also underwent therapy (see sidebar) which strengthened their relationship by rebuilding their knowledge about each other as they had drifted apart since becoming parents. In addition, they learnt to communicate without criticism, contempt or blame.
“This has led to fewer fights, and our daughter is happier and able to better focus on her studies. She told us that she likes seeing us talking and laughing, and the family doing things together,” said Priya.
This positive parenting/co-parenting model is what guides the conversation in family counselling, regardless of whether the parents decide to divorce or stay married.
“When we go through discernment counselling with a couple, our aim is to try and preserve the marriage,” said Anny. “Even if they decide eventually to divorce, we continue to emphasise the importance of co-parenting in a healthy way and putting their child’s interests foremost, and not their pride or their own needs.”
*Not their real names
In Jai and Priya’s case, counselling showed them how their marital strife was affecting their daughter. It also empowered them to take steps towards repairing their marriage and parenting well as a team by prioritising their child’s feelings and needs above their own.
As counselling raised awareness that Jai and Priya’s different child-rearing strategies were a common trigger of their fights, and that Priya’s exacting ways weren’t the most effective, she subsequently agreed to give Jai more room to parent their child.
The couple also underwent therapy (see sidebar) which strengthened their relationship by rebuilding their knowledge about each other as they had drifted apart since becoming parents. In addition, they learnt to communicate without criticism, contempt or blame.
“This has led to fewer fights, and our daughter is happier and able to better focus on her studies. She told us that she likes seeing us talking and laughing, and the family doing things together,” said Priya.
This positive parenting/co-parenting model is what guides the conversation in family counselling, regardless of whether the parents decide to divorce or stay married.
“When we go through discernment counselling with a couple, our aim is to try and preserve the marriage,” said Anny. “Even if they decide eventually to divorce, we continue to emphasise the importance of co-parenting in a healthy way and putting their child’s interests foremost, and not their pride or their own needs.”
*Not their real names
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